In assessing my life up to this point, I have done a whole lot of beating myself up over "wasted" things. Time, opportunities, supposedly misdirected love, etc. When one goes through divorce after having invested many years in that one person, it is hard not to feel like all those years and everything contained within them are just spiraling down the proverbial drain right in front of your eyes. But I am learning that to buy into that visual is to discredit everything of value that was borne of those years and the refining trials that came with them. And to do that is to dismiss God. As a person who believes in and relies on God, I cannot do this. I trust that He knows far more than I do about what is or is not "wasted". So my job now is to find the diamonds within the coal, to make sure I see clearly and am sufficiently grateful for what I have to show for those years.
The first and most obvious example is my children. I have six amazing and talented kids, five of whom are now "legal adults", all of whom are healthy, and one of whom has been kind enough to provide me with two incredibly cute grandsons. They are, each and every one, representative of all that I am proud of in my life and in myself. As they have all managed to navigate, in their own individual ways, the dividing of their parents, I have seen them use tools such as humor and perseverence, as well as a strong support of each other, to get through. This amazes me. They are my best friends.
Sometimes, when my mind starts to wander down the dark path of regret and despair, (and attempts to persuade my heart to follow) I start thinking about lost loves, lost youth, unrealized dreams, and all the ways I believe I have let myself and others down. When this happens, all of my flaws are magnified; I watch too much TV and go to too many movies and concerts, I am overweight and undisciplined, I don't take life seriously enough, I have wasted the talents God gave me. If I allow myself to continue to think this way, it feels like it is too late to fix any of it, and I want to give up trying. This leads to despair, and despair shuts down progress. I am learning to "just say NO" to despair. This is how:
Everything in our lives is assigned value by us. We decide what is important and what is wasted. So I have decided that nothing in my life is wasted, and everything is a gift.
My love for all things entertaining is a major factor in why I have such rich relationships with my kids and their friends. The painful parts of my life have honed my sense of humor, which is maybe my strongest personal asset. The fact that I have dealt with weight and discipline issues my whole life is why I am not judgemental of others. This is also one of my strong personal assets. And when it comes to my marriage, which, taken separately from all other things, could feel like the biggest waste of all, I have chosen instead to view it as 23 years of "Marriage Boot Camp". Training for the real deal, should I ever have that opportunity again. And I hope to.
There is a scripture about the Lord "making weak things strong" for us. Our part in that is to recognize the strengths in our weaknesses. When we can do that, when we can spiritually and emotionally "recycle" all the things in our life that we have viewed as "wasted", then we will be saving more than the planet. Nothing, nothing that we experience, is ever wasted.
