Learned Lesson Number Nineteen: Sometimes It's Best to Stay Down For Awhile

We have all heard that thing about how “it’s not important how many times you fall down, as long as you get back up again”, am I right? Well, yeah. But… Sometimes it’s ok to take a little time before you get back up. Sometimes you have to catch your breath. Or cry. Or just completely surrender to being down. Sometimes, if you stay down long enough, the oncoming train will pass right over you instead of knocking you clean out of your boots. I’m not saying always. Obviously there are times when you have to use everything you’ve got to get off the tracks poste haste. But I am not talking about those times.

It is very late tonight. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night, worked all day, have to work again in the morning, and have some homework that is not going to get done. I just do not have the mental, emotional, or spiritual fortitude to get it done. And the homework is not the only thing in my life that is not getting done. In fact, it seems like a recurring theme of my adult life has been managing the list of things that are just not going to get done. Maybe ever. And perhaps that is ok. The jury is still out on this issue. But tonight, writing this thing about staying down is the only thing that is going to get done. Tonight, I just need to stay down. And I invite you to take a load off and sit with me for a little while. Even if it means you have to leave something undone.

I used to work at WalMart. I was working at WalMart when I was thrown to the ground by divorce. To this day, WalMart still smells like divorce to me. While I was going through this experience, I kept trying to scramble back to my feet, only to repeatedly get bowled over, again and again. By things hurtling toward me from angles I never would have thought of. I knew I could survive it and that I would eventually be ok, but the process was exhausting.

I stood at my cash register every day in my cheery blue vest, watching all manner of colorful people parade their lives before me. Staring me in the face from the aisle next to the candy were the ever-present tabloid magazines, with their scandalous headlines. At that time, there was a rather high-profile celebrity love triangle playing out before my eyes in those tabloid headlines. It was there whether I wanted to see it or not. And I did not. Because the story largely paralleled my own experience, and that was painful to watch.

I alternated between thinking it was easier for them because they had money, (while I was struggling for every dime on top of everything else) and being horrified at the thought of having your every bloody wound exposed to the entire world as it was inflicted. At least I could deal with my stuff in relative privacy.

I remember reading an interview shortly after this, (NOT in a tabloid) with the very publicly jilted party in this trio of Beautiful People, wherein she was asked how she was handling the pain. (Original question, I know…) Her answer surprised me and has stayed with me. She said something to this effect:

“Sometimes I just have to sit in the middle of it and let it wash over me. Feel the reality of the pain. It hurts, and I cry, and then I realize I have survived it. And then eventually I can get back up.”

Which the world and I have seen her do often since then.

I would venture to add to this, “Repeat as necessary”. I used to fight back the painful feelings and the tears and the despair. Resist unhappiness at all costs. Be optimistic! Be shiny and happy when people are looking. Laugh instead of crying. This is my nature, this is what I strive for, and gratitude always gets me back there. Eventually.

But I have learned that this process cannot be rushed. Sometimes the best therapy is to sit on the bathroom floor and sob it out for a while. Or collapse on the couch and admit that you are blue, and tell some people about it. Perhaps even put it in writing. Then stay down long enough to steady and strengthen yourself. Long enough to heal, to recharge, or to get some sleep. Perhaps until an outstretched hand extends itself to help you up. Whichever of these things comes first. THEN, get back up.

Life’s “ups” would be meaningless without the “downs”. So it’s ok to stay down for a while. Really. Maybe the next outstretched hand will be yours, reaching down without judgment or condescension to help someone else up from that familiar place. Because you have spent time down there, and you understand.

Learned Lesson Number Eighteen: Choose to Surrender to Truth

We just celebrated Independence Day. For me, this particular holiday sort of marks my surrender of a great deal of my own personal independence, in that my first child was born on that day. And I use the word “surrender” for a reason. It is because I made a conscious choice to give up a certain level of freedom in exchange for the honor and opportunity of being a mother. That said, I certainly had no idea of the extent to which my life would change, and in ways I had not thought of. That little “parenting” exercise we did in high school where we had to carry around a raw egg everywhere we went was a weak representation at best. The first parenting lesson I learned was that a full night’s sleep and sitting down for an entire meal were things of the past. Not that I ever really got the full night’s sleep before, but that is another topic. It’s a different thing entirely when you are CHOOSING to stay up all night.

Agency is kind of a Big Thing. In the religious faith I was raised in, we believe that there was a war waged in Heaven over the right to choose, and that those of us who are here on the Earth are here because we opted for free will. Having said this, the question arises, WHY is the right to choose for ourselves such an intensely important thing? And if we all chose free will before we came here, why does the battle over freedom still rage? I think it comes down to what we believe to be true. And Truth is a tricky subject. Many people have lost their lives over the inability to agree with others about what is true. Every war has roots in that debate.

I am not here to define truth for anyone. Although I do believe that certain things are true no matter what any of us think. I also know there are those who will disagree with me. But I’m pretty sure that the Earth is round, and that we need oxygen to breathe, that fashion trends will always repeat, and that God exists. I also know that there are a great many circumstances in this mortal existence wherein the “truth” varies in the extreme from one individual to the next, based upon individual experience and perception. Which is REAL and VALID, and should never be dismissed. I believe that truth can be found everywhere, that it stands up to any test, and that those who actively seek it will ultimately find it. I also believe that if we love unconditionally and attempt to see things through the eyes of others, MORE truth will become clear to us.

Awhile back, I took a World Religions class at a community college, taught by a professor who had multiple degrees, (a couple from Harvard) and who was very passionate about what he was teaching. He was in his late 70’s and had this deep, booming voice that commanded attention. I was completely blown away by the depth of his knowledge on the subject of religion, and I hung on every word. I was amazed at the thread of common truths that wound through all of the major world religions, and in a class that only barely scratched the surface, I could not get enough information.

Not everyone felt this way. There were a couple of young students in the class that just really did not care about the material, not because they were irresponsible kids, but just because they did not have the age and experience to truly appreciate what this man was trying to teach them. I remember one particular class where the teacher had reached the end of his rope with these kids and he slammed his book down on the table they were sitting at and kind of lost it a little with them. They were obviously shocked at this response, and they did not come back to the class after that. I felt bad for them, for what they were giving up, and for the teacher, who had spent years fighting to obtain the knowledge he had. Because he chose it and fought for it, his knowledge of the truth he was teaching had great value, and he wanted to share that.

A favorite movie scene of mine, (and, ironically, of my former husband) is from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”, where there are a certain number of tests that must be passed by certain characters who are trying to obtain the Holy Grail. The respective success and failure of these men was directly connected to their motives and also their knowledge of the truth about what they were seeking. The one with the self-serving motives, who had no knowledge of or respect for Christ, and therefore no clue about what type of cup He would have used at the Last Supper, was literally dissolved away, movie-magic style, after drinking from the wrong cup. The guardian of the Grail then observed, “He chose... Poorly”. The beauty of God’s plan is that we are allowed to choose poorly. And He loves us enough that we are also allowed to choose more wisely the next time around. We also need to allow others that same right.

Years ago, my husband and I attempted marriage counseling. In one particularly memorable session, the counselor asked me what my favorite candy bar was. I told him “Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, of course.” He then asked my husband how much he thought I would enjoy a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup if he took it and jammed it down my throat. If it was my favorite, why wouldn’t I appreciate that? After that session, my husband chose not to return because he felt like the counselor was “taking sides”. He had the right to choose that. And now we are where we are.

The rewards and the consequences of our actions are meaningless when we are compelled, and they are priceless when we have chosen freely. This is true whether the choices we make are good ones or bad ones. If a decision we are compelled by someone else to make turns out to have negative consequences, we tend to blame the other person and learn nothing from the painful experience. And even if the choice is a good one, we cannot possibly appreciate the value of it because we did not choose it.

This particular principle is a challenging one to practice and remember when we find ourselves faced with allowing our children to use their agency. I don’t know if that ever gets easier! Most of my children are legal adults now, and I still feel like I want to make some of the tougher choices for them. Give them the benefit of my experience. But one of those things I believe to be true is that everyone must learn by their own experience, and sometimes that can be tragic. This is where my belief in God and my choice to surrender my will to His comes in.

It might seem contradictory to fight so hard for freedom of choice, only to surrender it again. But I have come to learn that He knows far more about what is ultimately best for me, for my children and for those who I love in this life, all of whom I have zero control over. So I love unconditionally and I lay the hard things at His feet. I trust the truth that He lives and He loves me, which is a truth that I have found enough occasions in my life thus far to test thoroughly. Enough that I am willing to surrender my own will to His.

It has not been easy getting here. And I have to reboot on a daily basis. Work on my relationship with Him. Make that choice to surrender anew, every single day. And the more I practice this, the more I realize that I am not giving up anything. He will never force me to turn to Him. And His plan is so much better than mine. Trust me, I have measured my plans against His, and mine are far less satisfying. What He can do for me is FAR cooler than anything I can come up with on my own. So His is the Truth that I choose. I choose it every day, and I wait with faith and anticipation to see what He will bring me in return.