On this day, March 10th, 2006, at precisely
9:52am, a Clerk of the Court time-stamped a legal document that declared I was
no longer a married woman. Marking the exact moment seemed important to me at
the time, for reasons which I do not wish to go into right now. Let’s just say
I thought the official dissolving of a 23-year union that produced 6 fantastic
kids deserved to be noted. And I have
done this every year since. Honored the moment. In the best way I knew how in
that given year. (And the years have been BUMPY, lemme tellya. If life is a
rodeo, each of the past 10 years has been the bucking bronco nobody wants to
draw.) But I am releasing myself from this practice. As of RIGHT… NOW.
It is midnight, on the nose, at the end of this infamous
day, and the “10-year Divorce-i-versary” gift I am giving myself is to quit
measuring the progression of the oh-so-precious TIME in my life by “how many
years since divorce.” I almost titled this blog entry “The Decade Since Divorce,” but that did not feel
authentic. Because it has felt ongoing for the entire time. Even now, just a
couple months before my youngest son turns 18, there is One. More. Court. Date.
Which will hopefully resolve, to the mutual benefit of all parties, and then
never, ever happen again. I have learned to hate court rooms. And I am choosing
to be DONE with DIVORCE.
So, in the spirit of “The Only Reason We Should Ever Look
Back,” I am going to share with you, in no particular order, the “Important
Stuff I Have Learned” from this experience. The first thing I wish to stress,
before I begin, is that if you can possibly avoid doing the divorce thing,
AVOID IT. Even though I personally did not, for one moment, doubt that it would
be better for me in the long run to no longer be bound to this man, going through
the process was nothing short of HELL. I did not believe the people who told me
that is how it would be. It’s kind of like childbirth in that way. Until you
pass through it yourself, you have NO IDEA.
That said, probably the most
profound lesson I have learned through all this is summed up in the quote at
the top of the page, from a very old and homemade flip-book of daily thoughts
that was put together by my parents a couple of decades ago, and which lived in
my kitchen for years before getting relegated (not on purpose) to a box in a
storage unit. I excavated it some months back, and have been “Instagramming”
some of my favorites as they resurface, affectionately hash tagging them “Mom
and Dad Daily Wisdom:”
March 10th… “If all men were to bring their miseries
together in one place, most would be glad to take home, again, each, his own.” –
Solon. (How DID my parents know, years
before, how fitting for this day this quote would be?? They’re just cool like
that…)
Over the course of this decade, I have learned to view
challenges as blessings. I don’t think I can even count the friends who have told
me that they could never survive what I went through, when I knew they had been
through FAR scarier things, like death of loved ones, debilitating disease, or
severe depression. I will HAPPILY keep the trials that were CUSTOMIZED for ME.
Every day, twice a day, I thank God for every blessing and every challenge. EVERY.
ONE. I have learned that REALLY practicing and feeling GRATITUDE, in the depths
of your soul, will save you from ANYTHING.
When I first got divorced, I thought I would find a house,
ONE house, to finish raising my children in. I have moved 10 times in 10 years.
I learned that a home is not four walls, it is who you are with. Sometimes I
was sleeping and doing homework on somebody else’s couch, and when I turned 50,
I was living with my parents. None of this was fatal. I learned that HOME is
wherever you are.
When I first got divorced, I thought it would take me 3
years to complete my college degree and become financially self-sufficient. It
has taken 10 years to get the degree, and I am barely getting to the “self-sufficient”
part.
When I first got divorced, I thought it would probably take
about 3-5 years to get clear of the emotional trauma, lose the weight, re-learn
who I really am, and find “That One Cute Boy Who Would Really Love Me For Me.” Instead,
I have gained weight and lost weight, and gained and lost and gained again. And
it does not change who I am. I have watched my face age, and my hair gray, and
seen certain parts head south. I have gotten used to having the bed to myself
and not having to ask permission to go on a trip, or to the movies, or to lunch
with a friend. I like having a cat, leaving the Christmas tree up as long as I
want, and having the bathroom to myself. I like that where the money goes is
all up to me. Ten years later, “Finding the Cute Boy” is not even on my list
anymore. And I am not the least bit sad about this. Because I believe this life
is not all there is, and I believe in God’s perfect timing. And I have STUFF to
DO, on my own. So much STUFF to do. I have learned that things take SO MUCH
LONGER than you think they will. And that it takes as long as it takes.
AND THEN THERE IS THIS:
Lastly, I have learned how unbelievably unique and wonderful
and talented my kids are. I have watched them pull together and support each
other through the worst of times. I have let their music and their art and
their humor wash over me again and again, reminding me that THEY are what
remain, and they are EVERYTHING. When I first got divorced, I thought I would
eventually change my last name. And my youngest son asked me why I would ever
want to do that, when it was HIS last name. So I decided I never would. And now I treasure it, because it is one more
way I am bound to them all.
I have learned that divorce burns away all the unimportant
residue of life. It forces you to identify what is most precious to you. And to
let go of absolutely everything else, in order to hold on to THAT. And now it
is time for me to let go of divorce. It is a cold dark place, and an ugly word,
which means to “divide with force,” and I am kicking it to the curb. I would
not trade the experience of having gone through it for anything, but it’s time
to shed the label. I am beyond grateful
for the people who have been MIRACLES in my life during this time. Again and
again and again. You know who you are. I am really looking forward to BEING
that kind of miracle for someone else. Again and again and again.
And guess what?? It’s 2am and I am about 400 words over what
I wanted to say. Some things never change. I am a night owl and I talk too
much. I love you all. Thanks for sticking with me this long.
The
End
